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4 months ago

Understanding your story thats been holding you back


Our conscious mind operates around 5% of the time and our subconscious mind operates around 95% of the time. We have a part of our brainstem called the reticular activating system (RAS) and amongst other things our RAS operates as a filter for our thoughts, only letting into our conscious mind what our subconscious mind believes.

Example - Consciously - “I want to lose weight”, Subconsciously - “You can’t lose weight, you’ve been fat all your life”

Our subconscious mind and deep-seeded beliefs about ourselves, the world around us and what’s possible for us are very influenced throughout our first 20 or so years of our lives (childhood - adulthood) as we are fully dependent on our parents we become very conditioned to the way our parents are, social norms, the schooling system etc. These younger years are where our ideas of self really develop including our mindset/beliefs/habits around things like health, money, relationships.

In an ideal world the role of the mother is to inspire the child and the role of the father is to validate the child, ultimately they do this for the child until its time to be initiated into adulthood where its now it becomes the Childs responsibility to take their own path (they are an adult now).

Heres a little bit about my story… My father died when I was 2 years old and I never really had a father figure during my childhood. My mother had to take on the role of both parents here which would have been super tough - especially when she was not very healthy herself with heart issues. My mother put on a tough leather skin, pretended nothing effected her and showed no emotion because that’s how she dealt with the challenges she had been served in life at that time. When I was a kid, we never said I love you, we argued a lot and long story short, I didn’t quite get that loving/nurturing energy you need as a child, or the validation from a father figure, and therefore didn’t quite learn to validate myself or love myself as I grew up.

I felt a quite lost moving through my teens and younger adult years, going with the flow and fitting in with whoever I had to just to be accepted. I hated conflict, it scared the shit out of me. I would suppress the way I really felt to avoid conflict, never truely expressing who I was or what I stood for. I hated the attention being on me. I talked really negatively to myself, I started to develop a really bad body image and wouldn’t even want to look in the mirror. In school, I was a slow learner and found it hard to concentrate, when teachers told me I had ADD and didn’t listen I started to believe these things and identify as a this person. I was really awkward around girls through fear that I would be judged, when I got my first girlfriend she ended up cheating on me, and this confirmed for me that the way I was thinking about myself was true. I went into the wrong business partner-ship, then had another girlfriend and when I really connect back to why I went into these relationships it was because they made me feel loved, accepted and good enough. These were all the things I really loved hearing and feeling because I didn’t think this way of myself and craved the attention.

We are a product of our thoughts, our thoughts become our actions and then our actions determine out reality. Thinking this way ultimately had me acting this way, being a guy with terrible self image, feeling insecure and taking actions for the approval of others because I was too scared to do what I wanted for myself and feared judgement. These stories ruled my life for quite a long time, I let my emotions control me, leading me to making decisions from the wrong energy (lack/scarcity and desperation). I had very low self worth and self esteem and didn’t value myself. I could go on and on about how this way of thinking effected how I showed up each day in my life but we'll leave it there for now.

Really understanding you're deep seeded beliefs and stories about yourself and the way they are playing out in your life is the first step to healing from them and making changes in how you show up in your life every day.